For those that don't know, it is an opportunity to get the first 250 words of your completed novel read by an established agent and to have it critiqued by other writers.
And boy, did I get a flogging -- but in a good way. The comments were very enlightening and pointed out some flaws on the first page that had been staring me in the face for quite a while. (Now I need to go through the entire novel and see what else needs fixed).
Here is the original version, the edits I knocked out last night follow:
After an absentminded man of learning and a naïve follower shattered civilization, all the lands the world over fell into chaos and darkness. In his grief and his hope, Professor Jameson gathered the knowledge and history of the world at the fortress that would become the Na’Sety. It was his dream that the sun would again shine on mankind on day.
-From the recitation of the Legend
The unkempt, skeletal old man simply known to most as The Prophet threw open the doors of the Akothan royal council chamber with a bang. His stained, ash-colored linen robes flowed ominously in the air as he briskly strode over the short woven ivory carpets that ran down the center of the throne room. The Prophets’ steely gaze did not waver from the man seated on the throne; as if he knew the other councilors and attendants in the room were inconsequential.
The Prophet wore a braided golden circlet with a spherical blood-red stone on his brow marking him as the leader of the Soldiers of Purity. The ominously colored stone was obviously a recent addition judging from the crude welds around its mounting.
The Soldiers of Purity were a fanatical sect dedicated to the bringing of all people to the Light, no matter the means. ‘Better the cleansing purity of the grave than to suffer the evil of life’ was their maxim.
The Prophet was followed closely by the Captain of the Akothan Guard and two score troops who immediately fanned out around the perimeter of the room.And the rewrite:
After an absentminded man of learning and a naïve follower shattered civilization, all the lands the world over fell into chaos and darkness. In his grief and his hope, Professor Jameson gathered the knowledge and history of the world at the fortress that would become the Na’Sety. It was his dream that the sun would again shine on mankind one day.
-From the recitation of the Legend
The unkempt old man Artemis Darwold, also known as The Prophet, threw open the doors of the Akothan council chamber with a bang. His ashen robes flowed in the air as he strode over the ivory carpets of the throne room. Resting on his brow, a braided golden circlet set with a blood-red stone marked him as the leader of the Soldiers of Purity.
The Soldiers of Purity were a fanatical sect dedicated to the bringing of all people to the Light, no matter the means. ‘Better the cleansing purity of the grave than to suffer the evil of life’ was their maxim.
As he walked the length of the room, Darwold’s steely gaze did not waver from the man on the throne; he knew the others in the room were inconsequential.
The Soldiers of Purity were a fanatical sect dedicated to the bringing of all people to the Light, no matter the means. ‘Better the cleansing purity of the grave than to suffer the evil of life’ was their maxim.
As he walked the length of the room, Darwold’s steely gaze did not waver from the man on the throne; he knew the others in the room were inconsequential.
Close on the Prophet's heels followed Captain Eacham Shaw leading two score soldiers of the Akothan Guard. Upon entering, the troopers drew their swords and immediately fanned out around the perimeter of the room. High Councilor Kayn rose from his throne glaring at the intrusion. The papers he had been studying falling forgotten to his feet as his fists clenched in anger.
